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#443,314,629: Shooting Vodka Through Your Eyes is a Thing

Call me crazy, but I prefer to do my drinking the old fashioned way…alone and sobbing uncontrollably to the tune of Sinead O’Connor’s rendition of “Nothing Compares 2 U.” The youths of today, particularly those in the college frat community, however, aren’t satisfied with the blissful subtleties of destroying your liver through years of slow and steady consumption while listening to covers of Prince songs; they need it faster, harder, and as homoerotic as possible.

Indeed, I thought that nothing could be as emasculating and ridiculous as a grown man handing another dude a Smirnoff Ice and said dude feeling some moral obligation to drink it on the spot — until, of course, I was made aware of Vodka “Eyeballing.”

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#403,920,112: Justin Bieber Getting His Own Biopic

If you had any doubts as to whether we were deserving of total obliteration by way of Armageddon-esque asteroid, zombification, or airborne herpes outbreak, look no further than today’s news that Justin Bieber is currently in talks to star in a movie about his ‘formative years.’

HollywoodLife.com says:

A script similar to the 2002 film 8 Mile is  in development – and close to completion! “There currently isn’t a final script, but just like Eminem did in 8 Mile, Justin will star!” an industry insider tells us.

Really? Do we really have that much to learn about the life and times of Bieber? It has been just over a decade since he was bursting through his father’s incorrectly administered condom.

Expect such compelling content as Bieber’s first pube and the emotional tribulations of YouTube celebrity.